don't hate me first...

adam lambert ruined AI(american idol-in case you don't know) for me...why? i had been a fan of the show ever since AI 1 when a certain miss kelly clarkson emerged as the winner..then i had been watching it religiously- i mean, really religiously, every single episode of every single season..
i watched ruben won(though that year i didn;t hv a favourite), i watched fantasia's breathtaking performance in 'summertime', then i wtched it when, the- now princess of country music, carrie underwood won(though i was rooting for bo bice),
then came season 4, where taylor hicks won despite of simon's apprehension- got nothing against him, but i was and still is a fan of elliot yamin- my son was named after him..
and then season 5 where jordin sparks won-again i don't have a fav this season. then season 6 winner-david cook. i didn't hv a fav contestant but i did have a fav performance- david archuletta's rendition of 'imagine'..
then season 7 arrived..admittedly at first i was smitten with jamar rogers, he didn't even qualify to hollywood but i did sign up at the idol site for the 'bring jamar back' petition. i didn't produce any desirable result however..then as i watched AI that fateful year- i began to get transfixed on this one guy- who at first, i thought was really really annoying- cos he screamed a lot..but he got a hell of 'the right' looks, with the hair and the make-up and the clothing-he got style..
then he performed 'some kind of wonderful'- and i was caught-hook, line and sinker..
adam lambert ruined AI for me because i thought that he was so good- that no one could ever tops what he had done on idol- ever..at least this is the case for me..
this year i don't really watch idol- though occasionally i tuned in to see crystal and lee, and for me- who'd always been looking forward to AI, who had always had a love affair with the show, not to be SUPER EXCITED when was really not good.. but really- WHO COULD EVER SANG BETTER THAN ADAM AND PERFORMED BETTER THAN ADAM- who delivered stunning performance effortlessly week after week after week..yes, sometimes he'd sang the song- outrageously, as simon said it, that the viewers could either love it or hate, but hell yes- he took risks and by taking those risks- HE PUT HIMSELF ON ANOTHER COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LEVEL than everyone else on the show, before and after him...many idol contestant had had their one moment of unforgettable performance in the show- but adam- he had not one, not two- but -i guess, all of his performances were in a league of their own.
it was as if he was only competing with himself..no offense to kris allen, he is a great singer but like all idol stars, he only had one or two(at most) memorable performance in the show...
whilst adam, well-all the songs he sang, I LOVED..his album- i got it, and i love it..
so after adam lambert, for me- idol seemed to have lost a bit of a taste...it soured a lil bit cos i kept comparing each performance to adam's performance..and i kept getting disappointed..
feelin good, tracks of my tears, mad world, crying, one and the list could go on and on and on...every one of the song he performed during AI- i could never get over..
so..yes..
adam ruined american idol..at least he ruined it- for me..hopefully next season i'll see another one who could live up to the high standard which had been set by this guy- whom we all know now as the GUYLINER..

i watched the series on and off again over the years...it is quirky, entertaining and funny...it has a touch of genius in the plot and story line...i guess, that's why it had won so many emmy..

but yesterday- it really touched me deeply..it was the part when preston(one of lynettes's twin sons)came back from russia with a russian fiancee..lynette had investigated the fiancee and found out that she had duped two husbands before..this led to preston cancelling the marriage but he seemed to blame lynette for it.

lynette went into the room where preston was sitting alone and basically told him that she'd rather her son hate her then see him regrets and despairs over the decision he could have made. and before she closed the door behind her, she told her son that she'll always be there for him and that he could take as long as he wanted to forgive her but 'just don't take too long..because i missed you already..'

and the mom in me broke down....i was crying like mad...i really felt lynette's words right up to my bones..she is just a character, it is just a show but god-the show really is good!!!!not only that it has the flair of a great entertainment but it also has soul....

'kak, c nanak jatuh dari kereta kereta dia..'
upon reading the sms from my cousin, who's looking after my kids at home, i almost fainted..i rushed outside of the class calling home with pale, cold, trembling hands..

'is she alright..? how did she fell..? is she hurt..?'
even as my cousin assured me that my baby seemed to be alright, that her bruises aren't that bad..i was still very much afraid and could not calm my fear..

the 15 minutes that passed before the class ended were the longest i've ever felt..i couldn't look at my pupils..it was so hard not to break down then and there, and it took me all my strength not to..i couldn't, mustn't cry- not in front of my pupils..

we were supposed to be rehearsing for the Teacher's day celebration ( our school once again took the responsibility to present a choir) that afternoon, but i simply didn't have the heart to sing..all i wanted to do was go home and hug my baby..

i went to the office to tell my boss (our school headmistress) that i'm going home and couldn't rehearse with them, she wasn't there and as it turned out she had already went to the staff room for the rehearsal, thankfully the senior assistant was there- and as i spoke, my tears broke..

i wasn't aware of how much energy i'd been using trying to be calm for the past 15 minutes- not until i spoke about the incident, - i just didn't have the strength to stop my tears then..even speaking was almost impossible..the senior assistant went to my side and calmed me, asking if i have a ride home, and i nodded, my husband had arrived to pick me up (usually i would walk home, because it's only 10 minutes walk)..upon telling her, i rushed to the car.......i was crying right up until i came into the house..

when i saw my baby, and took her into my arms- only then did some of the fear eased off..

'she's alright...only a few bumps and bruises..'my husband said.

but for me- even those 'little' bumps and bruises were very very big deals..even a mosquito bite on my babies aren't allowed, let alone bruises and bumps...unacceptable...if i could take the bruises and bumps away- i would..it pained me to see them on anyone of my babies..

and i wasn't really calm- not until the bumps and bruises started to fade, today..i still can't breath easy though..not until all the bumps and bruises are really gone....and even after the bumps and bruises are long gone- i would still feel the pain- my experiences with two of my older children taught me this...long after my children lost the bumps and bruises- i would still feel the pain every time i think about when they fell or hurt themselves..they might have forgotten about those incidents, they might not remember- but i would..i would remember all the times that they cried- when they fell down the stairs, when they slipped into the drain, when they tripped over the furniture, when ran and bumped into each other- or when they fell off their baby walker..i would recall those times and the pain would still be the same..

no- not all scars could be healed by time..not when you're a mother...when our children got hurt, we'd feel twice the pain, and the scars will be with us, all our lives...

nonetheless- i would not trade my children for anything..would not trade my place with anything..would not want to live my life any other way..

i would give up my own life for my children..i love them -unconditionally, with all my heart..

i only hope that my children could tone it down a bit(sigh)- so that i wouldn't be carrying too many scars in my heart..but- as long as they're alright..as long as they're okay...that's all that matters....

born keanu charles reeves, on the 2nd of september, 1964..in beirut, lebanon..his name is pronounced 'kay-ah-noo'..his name basically means ' cool breeze over the mountain'..keanu reeves has two nationalities- us and canada but entitled to a british citizenship by having an english mother....his father a mix of chinese, hawaiian, portuguese and english descent..i guess that is why he have one of the most striking features(for me) in hollywood..he has a little bit of everything..
our(my cousins and i) namesake for him- hubba hubba hunka..meaning- really really hot guy..he was, still is and will always be the ultimate hubba hubba hunka for me..
some people say he cannot act...but i say he can...some say he's gay but i say, that's his prerogative..
whatever people say about him- i still say, he's my favourite actor of all time..no academy awards..not even a nomination for best actor but for me- he is the best...well, maybe because he's good looking..but that isn't all there is to him...his private life had always been kept a private..he's really really close to his family especially to his sister (who passed away some years ago)..he treated each job seriously, gave everything to make the movie work, never had complaints about him being a 'diva/divo'..
i think if colin farell even had a quarter of his work ethics, colin could be sensational..(heheheh-no offense to colin's fan)..
what made him so enigmatic is- he's not that educated, he never earned his high school diploma (i guess not because he doesn't have the brain but he just completely gave his full attention to his acting job)yet, he carries around an aura- aura of an extremely deep thinking man, an aura of wisdom..even back then, when he was portraying the goofiness of his character in bill and ted's excellent adventure..
perhaps that is why, even if only certain of his movies became huge hit- he stayed on as one of the A-list actors in hollywood even today..he could still command a good 10-20millions a movie..for someone whom people said couldn't act- they sure does pay him a lot to appear in their movie..because of his good looks..????it's not as if hollywood doesn't have her fair share of good looking, younger actors..i say- it's becaus,e he's keanu reeves...the one and only..the enigmatic keanu reeves....mr hubba hubba hunka of hollywood...

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now lets talk about crushes....hehehehe
my first crush- a character named 'vinnie' in an australian drama series back in the early 90's..a punk, gang leader who fell for a simple girl..huhuhu...next, i had a huge crush on the character of the masked rider black (ksatria baja hitam)who was a hero saving the earth from the 'gorgom'..then i met, keanu reeves in bill and ted's excellent adventure...and i was hooked, ever since..usually i'd fall for heroes in movies, like leslie cheung, but none to the extent of my feelings for keanu...
i'll let you guys know just how much i am into keanu soon...you'll be amazed...LOL...
back to the topic..hmm....but then that was just about it...i had crushes- lots of them- all to guys 'out of my league'..hahahah!
actually, i think girls in my era were late bloomers..not only in terms of 'physical' but also emotions as well..well- at least that was the case with me..i had eyes for good looking guys but only when they're on the silver screen..when in real life- well, i would still went skinny dipping without shame(with my friends- guys and girls)..heheheh...
to be honest, there were incidents of 'writing mock love letters', having guys from the school nearby as our imaginary boyfriends- but honestly, for me- there weren't anything to it..no feelings involved...just things i did for fun, to fill in my spare times..hahahah!but then- who could hold a candle next to keanu..?none..thus, my fate was sealed..
so i didn't have real life crushes...not until much later....

hari ni 19 julai 2010- jam 10.30 pg (dan masih berterusan)- di taman sebelah kuarters kami ni- ada sepasang kekasih sedang memadu asmara....aduiiiiii.......beraninya mereka...di taman tu ada keluarga yg membawa anak anak mereka berekreasi, tapi mereka seolah olah tak peduli..oblivious to the surrounding barangkali because they're so in love...kononlah....
they're cuddling, carressing each other and...low and behold- kissing...!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG...well, let us rationalize..
1)maybe they're newlyweds, that's why they're acting that way..but, kalo benar pengantin baru- takkan mau pg taman utk 'bercinta-cinta'..kan ble buat d rumah..d bilik sendiri..???hmmm...
2)maybe, they're ....apa lagi alasan yg boleh dibagi utk mereka ya...? is there any excuse for their behaviour..?love..?
nahhh, i don't think so...org lain pun pernah dating bah....tp tdk lah sampai begitu...di taman permainan lg tu...ada lg tu org di sekeliling...mcm tiada rasa malu...better- mcm tiada otak...especially the girl..it's her loss..the guy could brag that he'd 'scored' with yet another girl, but the girl...???? all she'd ended up to be is being cast off as another conquest..
and love...is actually very simple...if you love someone, there's no need to complicate things..and if a guy really loves a girl, he'd want to protect her, to let her feel safe with him..the proof of her love is not her body but her heart..
what will happen to this girl..? i wonder....

actually, there's no such village..our 'village' was actually a part of kg.libang/tudangan..but we loved to say that we're from kg.layo-layo..a peaceful- five houses resident, surrounded by paddy fields..with no electricity of gravity water...we rely on the 'nyonya lamp', the lamp which had a picture of a sexy chinese lady on the side, and the natural water source we called the 'salut'...
our houses were only minutes away from one another..it would take less than a minute if one could run fast- like my friend, gidah ..understandably though, cause she's the school sportsgirl of many years, during primary school..
she has an elder sister, a pretty, tall girl- sahinie..though she's not always around cause she lives with her adoptive parents in a big house at Kg. bahab..
then there was the younger sister, inuk- i bit her on the head once..of all the places i could bite, i choose to bite her on the head..i couldn't understand why i did it, even now..she's the one who forgives me the quickest..i'd bully her then a few minutes later she'd forgive me and we'd play again as if nothing ever happened..
dayang came in a bit late...then there's gijam and ajili..the two boys, who used to run to the only shop in kg.libang then- to buy me 'ladies pads'..and a few more sisters after that, which i didn't really get close to, due to the age difference..
rouji was gidah's cousin..and then his brother- what's his name..? i forgot, though i could remember his face,..just kidding- roumeh..see, i still remembers..
gidah had another cousin, a boy..i truly forgot his name..but his brother was kaharin..
then linda, who's house was at the farthest from my house..she swallowed a medicine cap once and lived to tell about it, thank god..her sister, utung..well, she had a 'little' incident with her cousin, piluk that ended her at the emergency room..they ate the 'turtle tree' fruits, which they adamantly told us, 'buah langsat'..and then there was ilis, their brother, whom i once sang a lullaby to, and he went to sleep..followed by dugou- a joy to have around cause she'd always do what i told, so i could be the boss..bulin, buyep, joboi, sijo...my uncle atim surely was productive..yes, they're my cousin, but no...none of them had fought with me using an axe..
the only girl who could fight with me tooth and nails- was inggiew, and she has an older brother, tony, a fact which i really envied cause i have no brother of my own, and the one thing that i think gave her the confident to face off with me- she had a brother to watch her back..her sister, uteg, was the gentler one, probably because inggiew- though being the first girl didn't really act like a 'girl', so she took over..then a string of boys followed-piluk, ulou, unsab, before two girls- angul and orot..i guess inggiew and me didn't hv time to resume our 'axe battle' because they moved away sometime during the late 80's..
and these were all the children of our precious kg.layo layo..
i sure hope i didn't miss anyone...did i..??

i used to be such a brat...when i was 5-12years old- i wanted to be a winner in everything..when i played(kono-kono)with my friends, i wanted to be the center of attention, the one who hold the most power, the one everybody must follow..i wanted to get my own way- every time. i wanted to play according to my rules..and when my friends turned me away i would usually resort to crying, threats(telling my friends that i'd never played with them again)or plain bullying tactics like when i bit my friend's head..or when i broke my friend's toys..usually i'd be left alone with no friends in the end..and i would sulk and ate my heart out, promising myself that i'd never ever play with them again, or that i'd never ever let them play with my toys again..then after a few days, i'd beg my daddy to buy me something so that i could 'bribe' my friends to play with me..and every time- my friends took me back..not because of the 'bribe' but i guess, because there weren't that many of us..there were only 5 houses at kg.layo-layo(that's what our village was called)..they would certainly missed anybody (even me-the spoiled brat)when he/she wasn't around..
so i was always forgiven..and then i'd end up making another scene..yes...i was a drama queen..
i remember though there's only one girl who didn't put up with my whining- she'd always put me down even before i made any scene, probably because she's so used to having me throw tantrums.. she'd made me cry by teasing me endlessly...and i was a little afraid of her..i'd try to be nicer every time she's around...although i would lose my cool even with her from time to time- like that one time when we wanted to fight one another with an axe each...
that was how much of a drama queen i was then..
and the only girl in the village whom i was a little intimidated of, well- she's become one of the closest people to me who stood by me all these years- still puts up with me nowadays..i even met my husband because of her...she's after all my cousin..
and to think that i almost 'axed' her because i was being such a drama queen...

my dad is the best...i am his first born- in fact his only child for 18 years before my sister (of different mother) was born..
i grew up having my dad cater to my every needs- he would read me bedtime stories over and over again-it didn't matter how many times i ask or how many times he had to repeat the same story - sometimes,he'd read it until i fell asleep..he never got mad at me- no matter how bad i behave..a complete contrast(like day and night) to my mother.
i remembered, growing up asking my father for everything i wanted and getting it..i might not get it as fast as i wanted but my father would buy the things i wanted sooner or later..the most expensive i ever asked of him- a watch priced at RM120 (it was a huge amount of money back then in 1990's)- my prize for passing the UPSR examination..i didn't excel in it though- i got 4 straight B's..still, my father bought it for me half year through form 1 (after painstalkingly saving for it- i realized now)..he was only a labourer..but he tried to give me everything to make me happy...that is why i say- my daddy is the best..

born on the morning after Christmas Day 1978...........i was a spoiled brat- being the only child (my mother had other children with her previous husband, but all were living separately with their own family)- my dad spoiled me rotten..anything i wanted, i got-at least my father tried his best to provide it for me...we were not rich...my father worked at a workshop, my mother a resourceful housewife..we never bought vegetables or fish from the market because she grew vegetables in our backyard and reared fish in two ponds..we even had some savings because the vegetables and fish grew so well that we could actually sell some to the other villagers..my mother was a bit strict...a bit..? that's a little soft- she's a woman of the 60's era, and anything she said was an order...cross her and you're a dead meat..and i knew this more than anything..she never spared me- even if i was her youngest child.. .my mother was 10 years older than my dad...it's no wonder that she's the queen of the house..no offense daddy, but she was.....
i lost her when i was just about to turn 11..she passed away from erupted blood vessel, in november 1989...i vaguely remembered my father shouting as he saw my mother collapsed in the middle of the paddy field(it was paddy planting season)..the two days that passed, when her body was taken back to the house, when they took her to the cemetary, when they laid her to rest- went pass as if in a blur..yet, i could still remember everything though..my mother...the one person i feared the most...maybe even now...even after 21 years...i guess she did loved me- in her own way..and i guess, all i am today, what i am today, where i am today, were all, thanks to her...perhaps everything happened for a purpose..and perhaps- even as i feared her, i did loved her too...that's why i still remember her...after all this time..young as i was when i lost her, fearful as i was of her, i had never forgotten about her..and i don't think i ever will....

let me start this by saying- amen...i finally arrived in this world...the blogging world that is....