•8:15 PM
What do you say about people who had a change of heart? A liar, a cheat or a fake..? I can't help it..I think this is how I'll always will be- I can't stay mad or angry at someone for much too long..
When I felt the anger- it would be volatile but only in that moment..I have thought that finally, after all these years, this year, I'd finally met a person I could never forgive until the day I die. As it turned out- I forgave that person in the space of just some months.
I don't know why, or how but I think I could understand what that person was going through that day when I got so angry at her, I wrote a very long post in my blog, now..Humans make mistake. Humans have hearts and feelings and their own endurance to things happening in their lives. If we could endure some things to some extent, that doesn't mean others can do as well. And there were things we can't seem to face and others can with ease. So- all I can say is, I can't expect other people to behave, to act according to what I believe I should act, because they are their own person, and I am mine.
One thing I am sure of though- how I should behave, how I should act, those are the things that I can do, I can control. And if I chose to forgive, that's my prerogative.
Call me a cheat, a liar or fake. I don't care, because that's what my heart is telling me to do and what my head is agreeing too.
I am sorry for not being able to hate. I am only thankful that being unable to hate much- gave me so much room to love more.
This is me. The plain and simple me.
When I felt the anger- it would be volatile but only in that moment..I have thought that finally, after all these years, this year, I'd finally met a person I could never forgive until the day I die. As it turned out- I forgave that person in the space of just some months.
I don't know why, or how but I think I could understand what that person was going through that day when I got so angry at her, I wrote a very long post in my blog, now..Humans make mistake. Humans have hearts and feelings and their own endurance to things happening in their lives. If we could endure some things to some extent, that doesn't mean others can do as well. And there were things we can't seem to face and others can with ease. So- all I can say is, I can't expect other people to behave, to act according to what I believe I should act, because they are their own person, and I am mine.
One thing I am sure of though- how I should behave, how I should act, those are the things that I can do, I can control. And if I chose to forgive, that's my prerogative.
Call me a cheat, a liar or fake. I don't care, because that's what my heart is telling me to do and what my head is agreeing too.
I am sorry for not being able to hate. I am only thankful that being unable to hate much- gave me so much room to love more.
This is me. The plain and simple me.
•3:04 AM
Things happen for a reason,
just look behind every tear,
behind every fear,
and behind every pain,
as you keep to mind,
that through this trying time,
for you and your loved ones,
you will hold on to each other,
your bond will be ever tighter,
your hearts will love deeper,
your faith will grow stronger,
and slowly but surely,
the tears will fade away,
the pain will become bearable,
and you will be smiling again,
it will be just another day,
though you feel the pain and even cry again,
but you will never and should never fear,
for you will always have by your side,
the love and strength of your family, your friends and God Almighty.
just look behind every tear,
behind every fear,
and behind every pain,
as you keep to mind,
that through this trying time,
for you and your loved ones,
you will hold on to each other,
your bond will be ever tighter,
your hearts will love deeper,
your faith will grow stronger,
and slowly but surely,
the tears will fade away,
the pain will become bearable,
and you will be smiling again,
it will be just another day,
though you feel the pain and even cry again,
but you will never and should never fear,
for you will always have by your side,
the love and strength of your family, your friends and God Almighty.
•5:49 AM
I am not perfect- far from it- I know i make mistakes, I commit many errors-whether I realized doing them or not..And gradually I learn from them or at least I try to- the mistakes that I've did, the errors that I've committed -I have family members, friends and the 'higher authorities' to tell me when I am in the wrong. If people really care for us they would know when to interfere and when to tell us to our faces that we are wrong..And we- in turn will listen because we trust them and respect them and we know that what they're saying is for our own good..I am thankful...I will be forever grateful..
But that, sadly, is not the case now..I cannot tolerate it anymore..I had tried to let it pass..Let bygones by bygones...But it seemed to worsen, thus, I know that I had to let things out of my chest..For good..I am one of those people who talk better with my fingers- I write better than I talk..Because when I talk, I tend to laugh out loud, especially when I am really in a good mood or really in a bad mood, so- sometimes people get the wrong idea..
We call her 'crack, earth quake, quacker oats..crackers..' gibberish but each word show exactly what we thought of her..To tell the truth- it saddened me, deep inside my heart, it really saddened me, that I could resent someone as much I resent her..I would say that my resentment really borders on the brink of HATRED..For someone as 'kepala angin'(because I would usually take things lightly and I would forget easily) and as flamboyant (aisehmen, perasannnn) as me- this really saddened me. Someone like me usually had no lasting bad feelings towards people, because I am forgetful and as I said, kepala angin..But this time I surprised myself..
She is only one, wouldn't it be easier for her to change just a tiny bit to cater for the needs of the majority..??? If she expected that all 60+ of us changed for her- she truly asked for trouble..That would be a recipe for disaster..And I think that is what happening now- maybe if we were robots, following a program set inside the chips planted in our brain- maybe..But unfortunately, we are only HUMANS..
And would it be too much to ask of her, not much but just to change her mind-set..Rather than ALWAYS THINKING BAD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, TRY TO THINK POSITIVELY..When she is always spreading out negativity, she herself would be caught in the wave of it because it will come back at her..What you give, you get back..I, personally, isn't asking her to treat me like a princess, like a golden child (yikessss- gelllinyaaaaa), but just think positive of other people, not just me but all the people under her supervision. She spreads out a really negative aura which really- I mean really, choked me at the throat. It is that bad for me. I could almost feel her negativity like it's a physical thing.
She's also probably one of the best 'fakes' I'd ever had the 'pleasure' to meet..She would talk about Pekelilings and 'stack-holders' and Perintah Am- but she herself would be brushing them away as if they're nothing saying that she had the 'budi bicara'- when it suits her. So where the hell is the 'kepimpinan melalui teladan' there? So, when it suits her, when it concerns people who like to kiss up her a**, she could use her budi bicara..But when it comes to the rest of us, who do not know how to 'kipas-kipas' her, do not know how to 'bermuka-muka', who speak our mind and tried our best to abide by the rules, she could not, would not and do not want to use her budi bicara..?? And she had the audacity to say that she had given us everything and we gave her nothing..!!??
I, personally, would never be able to call anybody who is of 'higher authority' -kakak or any other nick names, even if that person is my own uncle, my own blood relative, within the working place they're still the 'administrators'- a notch higher than mere teacher like me..And i tried so hard to do my best, to try to abide by all the rules- I had a personal errand to tend to- so I picked a date which I know would effect my class less to settle my personal matters, I opted to go during the monthly test. I applied for CRK, and with that I was slammed, saying that I am 'stepping on her head'-that I do not know how to teach and that is why UPSR result dropped(even though this is my first time, teaching year 6 here), saying that last year I was one of the problematic teacher who finished off all my CRK(which I tried to explain that when I took my CRK last year, I went to school first, finished my class then only after that, that I went to settle my things- which I didn't think she even remembered or even cared)..I signed a letter, asking me to pick which I would rather have, CRK or the money(in exhange for it) and signed without hesitation- I picked CRK..and that was 2 years ago...Did she even remembers that she had asked us that? And she went on saying, many teachers complained that they were tired to be stand-in teachers, which i adamantly tried to tell her, when I applied for CRK, I finished my class first, so no teachers went to stand in for me, but I think nothing seem to be able get through her negativity.
Then she went on to rave and trash all my fellow english teachers saying that we could not teach properly, that we are not doing anything right than at the very last, she said' "if UPSR drop again because of english, i would not even look at you anymore"- at that time, we were made to stand on trial, judged and sentenced to death- in the month of February- a good 7 months before the real exam...OMG..It was if- no matter how hard we tried, no matter how much we give, no matter what we do- if the result drop, it would be our fault. Just because I ask for that one day CRK, during test time,..???
My heart dropped, my mind blackened...Then I realized, all she wanted, all that mattered to her, is the recognition, the award, the reputation- she isn't thinking about us, about the kids..she only cared about herself. And I blocked her- my goal is just my kids future. I will give them all that i can..I will learn to 'bermuka-muka' for the sake of my kids, but other than that, I'd keep to myself.
Today- she was shunned during the briefing (in which she trash about us again) and i would not be surprised if one day soon, people will begin walking out on her- or worse talk back at her-or worst, give her the black eye..But that's the risk she seemed willing to take..
and i had written enough about her for one night...huhuhuhu..so i'll sleep on it and continue tomorrow..God forgive me for talking about her but this is my own point of view...
ciao..till tomorrow..
But that, sadly, is not the case now..I cannot tolerate it anymore..I had tried to let it pass..Let bygones by bygones...But it seemed to worsen, thus, I know that I had to let things out of my chest..For good..I am one of those people who talk better with my fingers- I write better than I talk..Because when I talk, I tend to laugh out loud, especially when I am really in a good mood or really in a bad mood, so- sometimes people get the wrong idea..
We call her 'crack, earth quake, quacker oats..crackers..' gibberish but each word show exactly what we thought of her..To tell the truth- it saddened me, deep inside my heart, it really saddened me, that I could resent someone as much I resent her..I would say that my resentment really borders on the brink of HATRED..For someone as 'kepala angin'(because I would usually take things lightly and I would forget easily) and as flamboyant (aisehmen, perasannnn) as me- this really saddened me. Someone like me usually had no lasting bad feelings towards people, because I am forgetful and as I said, kepala angin..But this time I surprised myself..
She is only one, wouldn't it be easier for her to change just a tiny bit to cater for the needs of the majority..??? If she expected that all 60+ of us changed for her- she truly asked for trouble..That would be a recipe for disaster..And I think that is what happening now- maybe if we were robots, following a program set inside the chips planted in our brain- maybe..But unfortunately, we are only HUMANS..
And would it be too much to ask of her, not much but just to change her mind-set..Rather than ALWAYS THINKING BAD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, TRY TO THINK POSITIVELY..When she is always spreading out negativity, she herself would be caught in the wave of it because it will come back at her..What you give, you get back..I, personally, isn't asking her to treat me like a princess, like a golden child (yikessss- gelllinyaaaaa), but just think positive of other people, not just me but all the people under her supervision. She spreads out a really negative aura which really- I mean really, choked me at the throat. It is that bad for me. I could almost feel her negativity like it's a physical thing.
She's also probably one of the best 'fakes' I'd ever had the 'pleasure' to meet..She would talk about Pekelilings and 'stack-holders' and Perintah Am- but she herself would be brushing them away as if they're nothing saying that she had the 'budi bicara'- when it suits her. So where the hell is the 'kepimpinan melalui teladan' there? So, when it suits her, when it concerns people who like to kiss up her a**, she could use her budi bicara..But when it comes to the rest of us, who do not know how to 'kipas-kipas' her, do not know how to 'bermuka-muka', who speak our mind and tried our best to abide by the rules, she could not, would not and do not want to use her budi bicara..?? And she had the audacity to say that she had given us everything and we gave her nothing..!!??
I, personally, would never be able to call anybody who is of 'higher authority' -kakak or any other nick names, even if that person is my own uncle, my own blood relative, within the working place they're still the 'administrators'- a notch higher than mere teacher like me..And i tried so hard to do my best, to try to abide by all the rules- I had a personal errand to tend to- so I picked a date which I know would effect my class less to settle my personal matters, I opted to go during the monthly test. I applied for CRK, and with that I was slammed, saying that I am 'stepping on her head'-that I do not know how to teach and that is why UPSR result dropped(even though this is my first time, teaching year 6 here), saying that last year I was one of the problematic teacher who finished off all my CRK(which I tried to explain that when I took my CRK last year, I went to school first, finished my class then only after that, that I went to settle my things- which I didn't think she even remembered or even cared)..I signed a letter, asking me to pick which I would rather have, CRK or the money(in exhange for it) and signed without hesitation- I picked CRK..and that was 2 years ago...Did she even remembers that she had asked us that? And she went on saying, many teachers complained that they were tired to be stand-in teachers, which i adamantly tried to tell her, when I applied for CRK, I finished my class first, so no teachers went to stand in for me, but I think nothing seem to be able get through her negativity.
Then she went on to rave and trash all my fellow english teachers saying that we could not teach properly, that we are not doing anything right than at the very last, she said' "if UPSR drop again because of english, i would not even look at you anymore"- at that time, we were made to stand on trial, judged and sentenced to death- in the month of February- a good 7 months before the real exam...OMG..It was if- no matter how hard we tried, no matter how much we give, no matter what we do- if the result drop, it would be our fault. Just because I ask for that one day CRK, during test time,..???
My heart dropped, my mind blackened...Then I realized, all she wanted, all that mattered to her, is the recognition, the award, the reputation- she isn't thinking about us, about the kids..she only cared about herself. And I blocked her- my goal is just my kids future. I will give them all that i can..I will learn to 'bermuka-muka' for the sake of my kids, but other than that, I'd keep to myself.
Today- she was shunned during the briefing (in which she trash about us again) and i would not be surprised if one day soon, people will begin walking out on her- or worse talk back at her-or worst, give her the black eye..But that's the risk she seemed willing to take..
and i had written enough about her for one night...huhuhuhu..so i'll sleep on it and continue tomorrow..God forgive me for talking about her but this is my own point of view...
ciao..till tomorrow..
•4:16 AM
music really heals the soul..as does writing..and i think a certain friend encouraged me to write again some time ago...kumau oo. kumapta mida..that- in korean(and i hope i am right) means, thank you...
i got caught up in the hectic life of doing everything 'last minute' and it takes some months or so to finish up all the postponed work..LOL...well..i signed up to be a teacher to teach- one one with my pupils and i thought that's all there is to it..little did i know that i would be doing much much more than teaching..paperworks, reports, programmes to be organised, files to be updated..wou..i think i spent more time with the typing work than making materials for my teaching..
and i wonder why? how does this came about..? since when did the teaching profession change gear- instead of focusing on the children we're focusing on programmes..but then..what do i know..? i am only a teacher..who still dreams of being a real teacher...who am in to say that the system is imbalance..who am i to criticize..? who am i to argue..
thus came the only option- inhale some music and exhale my thoughts out (a few years back- it's on paper, nowadays- whalla- the magic of the internet)...
lucky for me- AI came back just in time..i thought that it had lost it's magic but maybe the magic is back this year...??
and i hope i'll find time to write from time to time...
this year- my resolution is- to build a house..(where did that came from..?wasn't i talking about music and writing and being a 21st century teacher..???)
well..off to hear some music...ciao!! c y'all soon...god bless!
i got caught up in the hectic life of doing everything 'last minute' and it takes some months or so to finish up all the postponed work..LOL...well..i signed up to be a teacher to teach- one one with my pupils and i thought that's all there is to it..little did i know that i would be doing much much more than teaching..paperworks, reports, programmes to be organised, files to be updated..wou..i think i spent more time with the typing work than making materials for my teaching..
and i wonder why? how does this came about..? since when did the teaching profession change gear- instead of focusing on the children we're focusing on programmes..but then..what do i know..? i am only a teacher..who still dreams of being a real teacher...who am in to say that the system is imbalance..who am i to criticize..? who am i to argue..
thus came the only option- inhale some music and exhale my thoughts out (a few years back- it's on paper, nowadays- whalla- the magic of the internet)...
lucky for me- AI came back just in time..i thought that it had lost it's magic but maybe the magic is back this year...??
and i hope i'll find time to write from time to time...
this year- my resolution is- to build a house..(where did that came from..?wasn't i talking about music and writing and being a 21st century teacher..???)
well..off to hear some music...ciao!! c y'all soon...god bless!
